I'm thinking and that's usually a scary thing.....but it's late at night and I've just read another blog post and it's stirred up thoughts and feelings deep inside of me.
I think we've all been in that place when we want to stomp up some mythical staircase and pound on that door that opens the secret cloud door that leads to the magical yet ominous pearly gates...have the guard ring us in, toss our hair back, thrust out our defiant chins and march right up to the "man on his high and mighty throne" and shout an edgy threatening shout:"Why Father Why?! Tell me now, tell me EVERYTHING, don't leave anything out!" And in our mind we stand there, arms folded, leaning back on one foot, other foot tapping, eyes a rolling and heart slammed shut!! The truth is, I don't think we really want to hear as much as we want to be heard.
Many years ago (approximately 16 1/2) I was right in the middle of unsuccessful medical treatments which I was hoping would result in a pregnancy. I was frustrated and sad, angry and confused. I tried so hard to be completely supportive and excited when, one by one each and every one of my friends announced their pregnancies. But the final straw was finding out that, instead of having a son or a daughter, I would be gaining a brother or a sister. Oh, how it hurt, it cut to the very core of my heart and I couldn't understand it at all. With each tear that fell, I took one of those defiant stomping step towards that "mean guy up there" that wouldn't answer my prayers the way I wanted. But that didn't work out the way I anticipated either. The journey there took a lot longer than I thought it would. My huffs and puffs began to loose their umph and my puffed out pride began to soften and as I trudged along my brain and my heart began to communicate. And pretty soon my knees buckled into a humbled heap. Nearly 3 years later my answer came in the form of a little girl dressed in blue to match her deep soulful eyes.
I don't know the whole plan, and I don't claim to have all of the answers. But I have learned to trust in Him. That little answer of mine (and the other one that came 4 1/2 years after her!) has grown up to teach me things that I cannot even begin to describe. They are their own people with their own questions. I can tell you that with all of my heart I know that God does hear our prayers, I know he hears our heart, and I know that he does have the answers for us. But I must admit, I don't always pray, I don't always let him into my heart and I don't listen to his answers nearly as often as I ought to. I think the answers scare us a bit. While He sees the whole picture of our possibilities and potential, we tend to look at our current state of weakness and misery. We can't imagine doing anything different or more. We like familiar and the unknown scares us.
Yesterday was the anniversary of something really awful. For 25 years I have sobbed and sobbed. Tonight it hit me. I survived to tell the tale. I have cried and walked and shouted "why did you let that happen?" and I've beat myself to a pulp for the choices and mistakes that I made. Right now, in this moment, I am stepping onto a new path. I honestly believe that in all the bad that happened so long ago, a story was chiseled into the walls of my broken heart. I believe that the lessons I learned are to be shared and as I feel prompted to, I will.
I believe that when we can move past the anger and change our words from "WHY!" to "Help me understand" we get a lot further. Tonight I am asking for my Heavenly Daddys hand to make the leap of faith from the tear stained ledge of fear. And do you know what? I think He already has! In giddy little girl giggles I feel my heart sing "Thanks Pops!" ♥
February 11, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
HUGE hugs to you. I love you like my sister that I never had and always wanted. You are so brave, so loving and so kind. You teach me so much about myself, you are patient and you are so loving. Thank you for sharing, for being part of my life and just being you.
Post a Comment